


And I Know How Much It Can Hurt

by assetbucky



Series: How Far We've Come [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ADHD Lance (Voltron), Autistic Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, M/M, Nonbinary Keith (Voltron), Original Character(s), autistic author, mlm author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-15 03:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assetbucky/pseuds/assetbucky
Summary: Keith has a meltdown over food goo. Sort of. Lance learns something new about his teammate and learns what he needs.Title from the song James by Nathaniel Orion (bandcamp: orionthehunter)In which Shiro never went missing at the end of Season 2 and the Paladin Shuffle never occurred.Find me at transmarmora on tumblr!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, Keith is nonbinary and uses he/they pronouns, randomly switching. That is on purpose.
> 
> This fic was written and posted BEFORE season 4 came out. For this fic, and the rest of the series, SEASON 4 DID NOT HAPPEN.

Everyone has their own little things that bother them more than they should. After all, it was just a sound, or a smell. But everyone has _something_. Keith seemed to have more somethings than most people. Being barefoot outside. The smell denim got when it's been in a drawer too long. Not having his jacket or gloves. The sound of people chewing. People touching him lightly. Anything slimy or wet on his hands.

And the food goo. They'd been busy for awhile, so all they had available now was the damn food goo. It had been 3 days since Keith had eaten something - he was sure they'd find something soon, and he wouldn't have to eat that. But that was 3 days ago, and he had to eat something.

Nobody knew what to expect when they heard a crash coming from the kitchen, but it wasn't this. A plate upside down on the floor, clearly having been pushed off the table. A bite-sized blob of goo at the table, and Keith nowhere in sight. Until Lance spotted him curled up under the table. Everyone looked to Lance, who had always been best with Keith. Even as rivals, Lance understood them the best. Lance approached the table, moving a chair so he could sit a little closer to Keith.

"You okay?" None of them could see earlier, but Keith wasn't just curled up under the table. They were rocking, pulling their own hair, crying. And Lance made the connection. It made sense, really. He had to wonder how he hadn’t noticed before. "C'mon, we can go to your room. Turn off the lights, get all wrapped up in a blanket. It'll be great."

Lance gestured for everyone else to leave them alone, and despite the concern on their faces they obliged. Ten minutes later, Lance led Keith to his room. He sat Keith down on the bed, draped the blanket over his shoulders, and turned off the lights.

"You want me to stay?" He smiled a little as Keith just reached out to him, and returned to their side. Keith fell asleep leaning against Lance after almost an hour of sitting in silence. When he woke up, Lance was running his fingers through his hair.

"Hey. You doin' okay?"

//

He had been briefly captured. He'd gotten into the Galra ship for them, his DNA letting him access their tech. But he was found, and due to their new knowledge of his being part Galra he was brought to Lotor.

"Well you're an odd one." Lotor reached out and brushed some of Keith's hair out of his eyes, the light touch making Keith pull back. "You're sure he's Galra? Doesn't look it." Lotor turned and looked at one of his men, who simply nodded.

"Well, then..." He turned back to Keith. "You'd make a wonderful general. A perfect spy."

Keith pulled back as Lotor reached out to touch them again, just before Lance and Hunk came in to get him out of there.

//

A week later, the training was getting to be too much for him. They hadn't stopped since their last mission on the ship.

"Everyone's stressed, Keith. The fate of the universe is on our shoulders, we can't afford to take a break." Shiro was stern, but gentle. It didn’t feel gentle. It felt like an accusation.

"Shiro, it's di-"

"It isn't different, Keith. Everyone's stressed. We all have to deal with it."

Maybe Shrio was right. They were just being sensitive. Everyone was stressed, nobody wanted to be here, and they couldn't afford to take a break. They just had to deal with it.

Then why did he feel his brain ache? Maybe all of theirs did, he was just the only one who couldn't push through it. The same with constantly feeling like they were about to break. The same with constantly being on the edge of snapping. And having a harder time moving. And having a harder time speaking. And thinking. And not being able to sleep. And not being able to eat.

//

Stress. It was just stress. He was just easily overwhelmed. That was it.

"Just... stressed, y'know? We're out here saving the universe, and fighting evil and all that. It's a lot to process and I just... I'm not good at dealing with it like you guys are. I never really learned how to deal with stuff."

// 

He didn't know. Or he knew and was trying to keep it quiet. Or knew but was in denial about it. In any case, it wasn't just stress.

"You ever thought about why stuff gets to you like that?" They'd been sitting there in silence for awhile, and it seemed like Keith had calmed down enough that asking wouldn't upset him too much.

"I... I guess? My dad was apparently told I'm autistic when I was a kid by this neurologist I was going to. It's just... now that I know I'm Galra… y’know, it says there has to be no better explanation, and I thought maybe…”

"You think the social part is 'cause you’re Galra? Keith, think about it. Autism makes a lot of sense. Even if some of it is because you're Galra, that's not all of it. I mean, I guess _if_ the social part is all Galra, you could have ADHD and sensory processing issues, but the Galra don’t seem to have any social issues or any extreme differences from humans.”

“You’re probably right. I just… I never learned how to deal with it. Nobody ever bothered to teach me.”

“I can teach you. I mean it’s not the same, but I’ve got ADHD and out here without my meds it’d be impossible if I hadn’t at least kinda learned to deal with it.”

Keith smiled a little, then sat in silence.

“What if it’s just stress? I just can’t deal with it right?”

“Yeah, you're stressed. And yeah, you can’t deal with it right. But you're not just stressed. It's just... more for you. I don't know what happened on that Galra ship but you seemed really upset after."

Keith stared down. "He touched me. Like this." He reached up and followed the same motion, though Lance's hair wasn't long enough to actually be moved by it. "Said I'd make a good general. Wanted me to be a spy."

Lance stopped for a second. There wasn't really anything he could say to that. So he just held Keith closer. "I'm so sorry, Keith."

"You know I wouldn't go work for him, right?"

"Keith, we all know you wouldn't do that. Everyone's been worried about you. Especially after last night. Hunk stopped in, he and Pidge are going to the nearest planet with real food. And... Shiro wanted me to let you know he's sorry. For yelling at you. He said he's been too tough on you. You're our friend, Keith. We know you wouldn't leave."

Lance was wrong. He'd never join Lotor, but they might leave. They knew that they were actually the one who dropped out of the team easily. Pidge was a hacker, they needed her. Hunk was just as smart as her, but slightly less skilled with the technology itself. Lance had skills all over the place and could fill any spot they needed. Shiro was a leader. Allura knew the technology. Coran knew the players and had all the technical information for the castle itself. Keith... well, Keith was the loner. The rebel. The drop-out. That was all he had. And anyway, if he was going to be overwhelmed so easily, maybe they shouldn't be doing this. He knew that he wasn't really a part of the team. Not like everyone else was.

//

Over the next weeks, training was off. Everyone was doing alright, the quadrant was clear, Lotor wasn't on their tail right now, and everyone needed a break. Pidge spent her time looking for Matt. Hunk went and fixed things up around the castle. Shiro went between continuing training and helping Pidge find Matt.

It was decided that if in a couple weeks, the quadrant was still clear and they weren't being chased, they could go home to visit. Let their families know they were okay. Gather a few things they wanted to have with them.

Keith and Lance spent most of their time together. Keith always leaning against Lance, or lying down with their head in his lap. Lance had his gaming system set up (finally) and Keith would just watch him play. It was nice to see him passionate about something. Almost every night (or, what they assumed was night), Keith would fall asleep and Lance would carry him to bed. They went back and forth between their two rooms, switching off every night.

A week in, Keith was nearly back to his normal self. Two weeks in, he was a lot gentler than he'd been before, and a lot more comfortable with everyone else - especially Lance, who he'd been with day and night. Lance was the one who saw the most noticeable effects. Keith was joking around with him. The guy was actually able to relax now. He’d never seen them this calm. It was nice to see.

The two of them were getting ready for bed, and Keith kept staring at Lance's face mask. "Why d'you use that? Where'd you get it anyway? I mean, we're in space. Do you just keep a ton of it in your jacket pockets all the time or something?"

"I figured out how to make it a few years ago. Cheaper than buying it. Finish washing your binder, it shouldn't just sit there soaking."

"But... why? It's all gooey, why would you want that on your face? Or on you at all?"

"Skin care, Keith. Not everyone can have perfect skin naturally. That's just your good luck."

"You don't need it. You'll look great no matter what." Keith turned and walked away, hanging up their binder and going to bed, leaving Lance to finish getting ready alone.


	2. Chapter 2

"You don't need it. You'll look great no matter what." As Keith turned and left, Lance froze. Maybe it was just a normal compliment. But Keith wasn't one to just casually compliment people. He could feel himself blushing, but couldn't see it beneath the face mask. At least he had that going for him. He left the bathroom, joining Keith in his room.

"It's late. And as long as things don't go wrong tomorrow, we're gonna get to go home. We should probably sleep." Lance got himself situated as he had every night for the past 2 weeks. Sitting at an angle leaning against the wall of his bed. Keith joined him, curling up against his side and resting their head on his chest. They fell silent for awhile, but Keith was clearly nervous about something.

"Keith. What're you thinking about?"

"You're gonna get to see your family again. Pidge sees her mom and gets to tell her that Matt's alive. Hunk has his moms and his sister. And Shiro has a bunch of friends from home and from the garrison."

"You can come with me if you want. I talked to my family about you when we were still rivals at the garrison. My brother wouldn't stop teasing me about being second-best."

"So they still think you hate me then? Why would I want to go to that?"

"I never hated you. I hated being compared to you. They know that. I swear, they'll love you. My mom basically takes in all my friends anyway."

Keith smiled a little. "Well, it'll be better than staying here. Probably better than sitting alone for... however long we stay."

"Go to sleep. We're gonna want to be awake in the morning."

//

They woke the next morning - or what they assumed was morning, they couldn't exactly measure Earth days when they were out in space - and Lance was practically running to get ready. He was ready to go by the time Keith got out of the bathroom, and was practically dressing Keith himself to get them ready faster.

"Lance, they're still gonna be there if we take an extra minute, I'm gonna fall over if you make me walk any faster."

"Keith, you don't get it. Mari was always protecting me, she probably thinks it's her fault that I'm missing. And Noé made me promise to come back 'cause he heard about how many garrison people leave home forever. Most of 'em are on missions or left home on purpose, but he made me promise, Keith." They were both silent for a moment, Keith just staring at him. “I’m sorry, I-”

"Sorry… I know, I don't have any family so I just can't get it. You’re really excited for this.”

They started off again - this time just enough slower that Keith wasn’t tripping over their own feet.

//

Lance had landed Blue on a small island where nobody ever seemed to go, and they used a small boat Pidge had designed and equipped to get to Varadero. Lance was running again, Keith close behind him as they approached his house.

The last time Lance ran up this hill, he was wiped out afterwards. A steep hill with uneven pavement, he hadn't known anybody who wasn't exhausted by the time they got to the top. This time, he barely broke a sweat. He guessed that was what happened when you were training and fighting most of the time for - well, he didn’t know how long it had been. When he saw teens in the yard he couldn’t help but speed up. Noé looked so much older now. Those must be some of his friends with him. _Good. He’s got friends now._ It only took a few seconds for Noé to recognize him. He knew the moment it happened - his brother stared for a second, turned back towards the house and yelled something, then came running.

It only took a minute for Lance to be surrounded. Nearly twenty minutes of crying and talking over each other later, Lance had to cut it short. “Guys, I can’t answer a dozen questions at once. And it’s been… however long since we’ve had real food. Like… really real food.”

Keith had been pulled into the hug about five minutes in, but it still seemed that he hadn’t really been noticed. 

“Oh, I brought Keith with me. He didn’t have anyone to visit so I thought he’d be welcome here.”

“Visit? You aren’t staying?”

“I’ll explain it all inside, Mom. But we can’t stay. We’ll be here as long as we can though. And I think it’s time for some introductions.”

They all head inside, and Lance’s mom sat the two of them down and started pulling out food. _Real food. Finally._

“How long have we been out there?” They'd left earth when he was 17. He didn't even know how old he was anymore.

“Two years. It's been two years.”

He was 19 then. So was Hunk. Keith was almost 20. Even Pidge was going to be an adult soon. 

Noé was 12 the last time he'd seen him. Between the time at the garrison and the time out in space, he was 15 now. Mari was 23 now. His cousin Rosalyn had her baby, who would be 2 now. He had to stop. He'd missed it. He couldn't change that, thinking about it wasn't going to help anything.

“So, Keith, this is… my family. Mari’s the one that’ll kill you if you ever hurt me. Noé is just a sweetheart who wants everyone to be happy. Big on conspiracy theories, cryptids, that kind of stuff. I think you'll get along great. Mom…” She'd left the room. Now that Lance was thinking about it, he could hear her voice. _She's calling everyone_. “...takes care of everyone. I swear, one time we had every kid in the neighborhood here for dinner. Everyone, this is Keith.”

“Keith. Like that guy you were always competing with?” Mari had a knowing smirk. She knew her brother better than anyone. With the way Lance had always ranted about Keith, she was the first to know how he felt about them, even before Lance knew.

“Yeah, that's him. Now we're working together. He's actually the one who got us away from garrison security. The one who kinda started all this. We'd probably all be screwed without him.”

Everyone was quiet. With everything changing so fast, nobody knew if Keith starting whatever happened was good or bad.

“They said you died, Lance.” Mari was the first one to speak, herself and Noé, and now his mother in the doorway all at the brink of tears. “They said there was an accident and you and two other students died.”

_They said you died._ They'd thought he was dead for two years. They'd probably had a funeral. They'd probably taken time off everything to mourn. If it was anything like when his dad had died, their lives fell apart. Noé probably locked himself in his room again. Mari probably ran away again, only to return a week later and break down. His mom stopped sleeping, making sure nothing happened to the rest of the family. And it was probably worse this time.

Lance only realized he'd started crying along with the rest of his family when Keith hugged him and began speaking for him.

“He’s not dead. None of us are dead. Pidge is visiting her mom and Hunk is visiting his family. I guess dead sounded better for them than what actually happened. A few students dying during a crash and resulting explosion is better than.. well, what happened.”

“What _did_ happen? Where’d you go? What do you have to do with this anyway? You left the garrison.”

“After everyone's here. It's a long story and I don't want to have to tell it a dozen times.”


	3. Chapter 3

Rosalyn showed up first, with her son. She'd named him after Lance, which only started Lance crying again. Then it was her parents, his aunt and uncle. Then his old friend Hugo, who practically tackled him when he came in.

It took hours to explain what happened. A lot of _yes aliens are real._ Even more _No, we can't just have someone else do it._

“If we don't do this, Lotor will have this unlimited power. He'll take over everything. We've gotten them out of this quadrant already, and we have to make sure it stays that way. If things go like we hope, Lotor and Zarkon won't be an issue. It's only when they're both gone that we can come back and stay.”

As Lance was explaining _again_ that they couldn’t stay, Noé was the first to talk to Keith directly.

“He talked about you all the time. Whenever he called home it was always something about you. _Keith beat me by two minutes today. Shiro said Keith is the best pilot in the class._ It was always you.”

“He talked about you too. Told me you made him promise to come back.”

Noé went quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I did. And he did.”

Of course they’d made it awkward again. The thing they were best at - messing up conversations. But this time he had to fix it.

“So… Lance said you like cryptids, right?”

“Yeah. Cryptids, aliens, all that kind of stuff.” Noé’s face lit up in a way Keith was all too familiar with. The joy he had when somebody asked them about his knife. It wasn’t just him then.

“What’s your favorite cryptid then? Mine’s the Lake Tianchi monster.”

Noé didn’t miss a beat, and spoke without a trace of a smile on his face. “Lance’s girlfriend.”

Apparently Lance had stopped repeating himself, and had just been coming over to join them. “ _Hey!_ I was twelve, I wanted to be cool.”

It had been way too long since Lance had heard Keith laugh. The last time he could think of was with the Arusians in the castle, and that was just after they’d left. He’d forgotten what their laugh sounded like. He sat next to them, finally talking to his brother.

“So what’s new with you? I know there’s gotta be something. Who’re your friends?”

Noé’s friends had retreated into his room when they realized what was going on. Neither of them had ever met Lance, so it felt like intruding try to find out what happened.

“Oh, they’re some guys from middle school. Victor and Leo, they’re pretty cool. Victor wants to join the garrison, but after what happened with you his mom won’t let him. I joined. They let me come back since it's been two years since they say you died, then we’ve got fall break. We were all gonna get together Saturday.”

Keith and Lance looked at each other, silent for a second before both started laughing. “Oh my God, you pulled a Pidge.” 

Given Noé’s confused look, he had no idea what they were talking about.

“Pidge, one of the other students who 'died’. Remember when something went wrong on the Kerberos mission and Sam and Matt Holt were declared dead along with Shiro? Pidge is actually Katie Holt. She joined the garrison undercover as Pidge Gunderson to find them. I was kicked out around then. Shiro was the only reason I was still there, I guess.”

“You got kicked out? Lance never told us that.”

They weren't sure how long Hugo had been standing there, but apparently long enough to know what he was talking about.

“Really? I thought he'd be excited about it. Made him a fighter class pilot.”

“Why'd you get kicked out?”

It was a question Lance had never thought to ask. He knew everyone always said it was discipline issues or behavioral problems. Every time they wanted to remind him that he was only where he was because the best was gone. He didn't even know what happened.

“Well, I guess it all kinda built up. When I first got there they wanted to kick me out because I insisted on rooming with the guys. Shiro handled it for me though. After Shiro left for Kerberos, I guess I started kinda… acting out more. I stopped being able to deal with stuff as well. I actually got kicked out when I hit a teacher because he was chewing too loud. Shiro wasn't there to protect me and I couldn't explain why because I just… couldn't speak for some reason.”

“Ooh, yeah, going nonverbal is rough. Hey, now that everyone's mostly done crying I'm gonna go get Victor and Leo, they're gonna want to meet you.”

As Noé got up and left, Keith's attention turned to Hugo. “So… he's your best friend then?”

“Yeah. We've known each other forever. He's actually the person who made me realize I like guys. Had a huge crush on him when I was 14. He's a great guy.” He gestured for Hugo to come over.

Hugo came over and promptly sat on Lance's lap facing Keith. He looked at Lance, a smirk on his face. “So this is my competition for the spot of your best friend?”

Lance rolled his eyes, but was smiling. “Hugo, this is Keith. He's saved my ass more times than I can count.”

“So that's what, eleven?”

The way everyone just accepted Keith as someone who was supposed to be there made Keith feel more at home than he ever had.

They kept talking for awhile, everyone seeming to want a chance to talk to them alone. Noé introduced his friends to Lance, and Lance spent a while with Rosalyn’s son, who had his name but he had never met.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next weeks, life fell into a somewhat normal pattern. It was definitely normal compared to what they were used to.

People stopped by to see Lance. Keith met more people than he’d ever thought he wanted to. Some things didn’t change. They still shared a bed, they still waited for their next call constantly, dreading the moment it came. And some things did. They were both happier, they were eating real food, and they were eating regularly. Sometimes, Lance would come into their room after Keith retreated there early and Keith would be humming or singing quietly, just loud enough to be heard. And since they arrived, Lance hadn’t bothered to use a face mask. 

It was three days in that Keith’s heritage came up. Finding out that Keith was part Galra, Noé found a new interest in him, separate from how he actually felt about Keith as a person. Aliens weren’t just real - some of them could have children with humans. And if Keith could exist, that meant there could be more, and they might never know.

“So… you’re what, half Galra?”

“Don’t know exactly. I just know that my knife is this… thing. Only a worthy _Galra_ can activate its true potential. And I did. And I can work their tech, so I must be part Galra. I… I know they weren’t working with Zarkon, the knife is from the Blade of Marmora. That’s pretty much it.”

“Still cool. I’m guessing you’re not gonna tell too many people? Don’t wanna end up some weird experiment.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna keep it quiet for the most part. But hey, you _personally_ know an alien. That’s pretty cool.”

It was a week in that Lance convinced Keith that they should go to the beach.

The concept seemed… a bit uncomfortable. Completely exposed around people he barely knew, sand everywhere, and whatever the hell was in the ocean. But Lance swore that it would be fine. There was nothing to worry about.

They walked down there alone, to be joined by the rest of the family soon after. Lance led Keith into the water, slowly walking backwards while holding their hands. “I’ve been swimming here as long as I can remember, nothing bad has happened. It’s gonna be fine.”

By the time they were waist-deep, the rest of Lance’s family was in view. As they got closer, Lance realized they were all staring. It took him a moment to realize what they were staring _at_. They were staring at him. Specifically, they were staring at the scars he now had. Small scars littering his torso, a large one from one of the laser guns starting on his shoulder and spreading almost to his neck, another on his lower back, spanning most of the area there.

They’d just have to get used to things like that. The healing pods reduced scarring, but they didn’t always get to them immediately. It only took his family a moment to join them in the water, electing to try to ignore the scarring. After that, it only took a few minutes before Mari lifted Lance and dumped him into the water, starting the siblings on a battle splashing at each other. And Noé was solidly the best at it, creating walls of water skimming his arms across the surface of the water.

After nearly an hour of this, Keith and Lance went in to shore, sitting next to each other on a towel. “That was fun. I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“Yeah? Well hopefully it’ll happen a lot more.” Lance draped an arm around Keith just as they leaned against him. Half an hour later, they decided to go back to the house. Their sleep schedule had been off from everyone else’s, so they both got tired in the middle of the day, but pushed through. But a couple weeks of doing this wasn’t going to fix two years of a messed up sleep schedule. They changed quickly and decided to take a nap, Lance leaning back against the headboard, Keith curled against his side.

When Mari mentioned it, Lance leaned over and kissed Keith’s cheek. Lance would say it was a joke, but everyone knew he was just looking for an excuse. That night, after they were set up in bed, before either started falling asleep, Keith turned and kissed Lance.

The next morning, Lance insisted on bringing Keith his breakfast. As he came and set it down, he kissed Keith, which didn’t seem to surprise anyone. “Happy birthday.”

He hadn’t realized when they’d come back, but Lance was right. It had been so long since they’d even thought about their birthday. Even longer since somebody else remembered it. But Lance did. He smiled at Lance, and pulled him down for another kiss.

A week later, they were called back. There had been a Galra attack on a planet just outside the quadrant, and the people of the planet needed help. They both hugged everyone on their way out of the house, everyone either crying or struggling to hold it back.

“Be careful. Both of you.” Lance’s mom pulled both of them into a hug at once, the two of them awkwardly hugging her and each other.

“You hurt him, you’re dead. You know that, right?”

“Mari, we have to defend the universe. Keith can’t do that if he’s dead.”

“Defender of the universe or not, you’re dead if you hurt my little brother.”

Noé was the last, standing right by the door. 

“I want to go with you.”

Lance froze for a moment, staring at him. “No way. It’s way too dangerous. And anyway, you’d have to have a lion choose you. And they’re picky.”

“Promise you’ll come back?”

“I promise.”

With that, they left, went over to Blue, and sat on the island for nearly an hour before Keith could calm Lance down enough to fly.


End file.
